When Your Child Is Struggling and You Don’t Know How to Help

A number that should change the conversation

Approximately one in five children experiences a mental health challenge significant enough to affect their daily functioning. That means in any classroom, any carpool, any Shabbos group, there are children who are struggling in ways the adults around them may not recognize.

Here is what most parents don’t know: childhood anxietyGlossaryAnxietyA group of mental health conditions characterized by excessive fear, worry, and related behavioral disturbances. Includes generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and specific phobias. and depressionGlossaryDepressionA mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in activities, along with physical and cognitive symptoms that significantly impair daily functioning. often look nothing like the adult versions. A depressed child might not seem sad at all. They might be irritable, oppositional, or physically aggressive. An anxious child might not express worry but instead complain of constant stomachaches, refuse to go to school, or melt down over minor changes in routine. The child who explodes over homework may be overwhelmed by anxietyGlossaryAnxietyA group of mental health conditions characterized by excessive fear, worry, and related behavioral disturbances. Includes generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and specific phobias. about failure. The teenager who won’t get out of bed may be battling depressionGlossaryDepressionA mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in activities, along with physical and cognitive symptoms that significantly impair daily functioning. that makes every day feel pointless.

If you’ve been trying everything and nothing seems to work, you are not failing as a parent. You may simply be addressing the behavior while the real issue, the emotional pain driving it, remains hidden beneath the surface.

Reading what the behavior is telling you

Once you understand that behavior is communication, something shifts. Instead of asking “Why is my child acting this way?” you start asking “What is my child feeling that they can’t say?” That single question changes how you see the tantrums, the withdrawal, the defiance. It doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it opens a door to what’s actually going on.

A practical tool: keep a simple log for a week or two. Note when your child struggles most, what happened beforehand, and what seemed to help or make things worse. Patterns almost always emerge that aren’t visible in the chaos of daily life. You may notice that mornings before tests are the worst, or that meltdowns spike after social situations, or that bedtime brings the anxietyGlossaryAnxietyA group of mental health conditions characterized by excessive fear, worry, and related behavioral disturbances. Includes generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety disorder, and specific phobias. they held together all day. These patterns tell you something important about what your child needs.

Four things that actually help

Connect before you correct. When your child is dysregulated, they cannot hear your wisdom or learn from consequences. Before addressing the behavior, focus on helping them feel safe. Get on their physical level, use a calm voice, and reflect what you see: “You’re really upset right now.” The teaching can come later, once their nervous system has settled.

Validate feelings while gently encouraging action. For anxious children, try: “I know this feels scary, and I believe you can handle it. I’ll be right here.” Help them take small steps toward feared situations rather than avoiding them entirely. For children showing signs of depressionGlossaryDepressionA mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in activities, along with physical and cognitive symptoms that significantly impair daily functioning., gently structure small activities into their day. Resist the urge to cheer them up with logic. Simply acknowledge their pain and stay present.

Separate the child from the behavior. Make sure your child knows your love isn’t conditional on their behavior or their mental health. Send a message that conveys unconditional love such as, “There’s nothing you could ever do that would keep me from loving you”. Children who are struggling need to hear this more, not less. When a child feels like they’ve become their diagnosis or their worst moments, that shame compounds everything else they’re carrying.

Build in small moments of warmth. When most interactions have become about managing problems, intentionally create brief positive connections. Ten minutes of undivided attention, a genuine compliment, a small inside joke. These deposits matter more than you might think, especially when a child feels like they’ve become “the problem.”

Knowing when it’s time for more support

Consider professional help if symptoms have persisted for more than a few weeks, if your child’s functioning at school or with friends has notably declined, or if you’re worried about their safety. Start with your pediatrician, who can rule out medical causes and provide referrals. Look for a therapist who specializes in children and adolescents. If your child refuses to go, consider going yourself to get guidance on how to respond at home.

And hold onto this: with proper support, struggling children often go on not just to function, but to flourish. The brain is remarkably adaptable, especially during childhood, which means there is tremendous capacity for healing and growth. Your child’s current struggles are not the end of their story. Your job isn’t to eliminate their pain but to walk alongside them, providing the love, structure, and professional resources they need to find their way.

This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.