Parenting When You’re Struggling

The myth of the perfect parent

In 1953, British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott proposed something that ran against what most parents believed they were supposed to be. After observing thousands of mothers and infants, he concluded that children don’t just tolerate imperfect parenting; they need it. He called this caregiver the “good enough mother.”

Winnicott’s insight was that a parent who started out closely attuned to her infant’s needs was supposed to gradually fall short of meeting every one of them, in step with the child’s growing capacity to handle small disappointments. Those tolerable failures, he argued, were what allowed children to develop resilienceGlossaryResilienceThe ability to adapt to adversity, trauma, or significant stress. Can be developed through supportive relationships, self-care, and coping skills. and the ability to cope with an imperfect world.

This wasn’t a consolation prize for tired parents. Winnicott believed that a caregiver who somehow met every need perfectly would harm a child’s development by preventing them from building the capacity to tolerate frustration. Children need to experience manageable disappointments in order to develop the emotional muscles that will serve them throughout their lives.

What children learn from rupture and repair

In 1975, developmental psychologist Edward Tronick presented what would become one of the most replicated findings in child development: the still face experiment. A parent plays normally with their infant, then briefly holds a still, unresponsive expression. The infant immediately tries to re-engage, using every tool available: smiling, pointing, vocalizing. When those attempts fail, the baby becomes distressed and eventually withdraws.

What makes this research so important for struggling parents is what Tronick observed in the everyday interactions before and after the still face. In normal moments between mothers and infants, the two are mismatched roughly 70 percent of the time. Attunement isn’t the norm. It’s the exception. What matters most is what happens after the mismatch: the repair.

When the parent in the experiment returns to attuned interaction, the infant recovers and the relationship is restored. Tronick’s research suggests that this repeated cycle of rupture and repair is how children develop resilienceGlossaryResilienceThe ability to adapt to adversity, trauma, or significant stress. Can be developed through supportive relationships, self-care, and coping skills.. They learn that disconnection is survivable, that relationships can withstand mistakes, and that the people who love them come back.

So when you lose your patience and then apologize, become distracted and then reconnect, or have a hard day and then show up again tomorrow, you are not damaging your child. You may be teaching them something essential about how real relationships work.

The guilt that won’t let up

Parents who struggle with mental health often carry crushing guilt. Other parents seem to have endless patience, plate elaborate meals, and never snap over small things. We compare our worst moments to their public best and conclude we are failing.

Consider this: the fact that you worry about being a good parent is itself evidence that you care deeply. Parents who don’t care about their children’s wellbeing don’t lie awake wondering if they’re doing enough.

The research supports what guilt often obscures. Children need a caregiver’s presence more than their perfection. They benefit from watching their parents try, fall short, and try again. Secure attachment is built through repair after rupture and resilienceGlossaryResilienceThe ability to adapt to adversity, trauma, or significant stress. Can be developed through supportive relationships, self-care, and coping skills. modeled through honest struggle, not through flawless performance.

Showing up on the hard days

On the days when mental health feels especially heavy, parenting expectations need to shift. Forget the enrichment activities and the elaborate dinners. Getting through the day is the goal, and that is enough.

When energy is in short supply, micro-moments of connection carry real weight. Eye contact when your child is talking. A hand on their shoulder as you pass by. “I love you” before bed, even after a bedtime that did not go well. Attachment research suggests that even brief moments of genuine presence strengthen the parent-child bond.

And when the harder moments happen, repair is more useful than guilty ruminationGlossaryRuminationThe tendency to repetitively think about the causes, consequences, and symptoms of negative emotions, often prolonging and intensifying distress.. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling overwhelmed and I took it out on you” shows children three important things: that relationships survive ruptures, that adults take responsibility for their mistakes, and that love persists through hard moments.

Getting help is good parenting

Seeking treatment for your own mental health is one of the most generous things you can do for your children. When we are struggling, our capacity to be present, patient, and regulated shrinks. Therapy, medication, and other interventions can help restore that capacity.

Learning to ask for help without shame is a related skill worth developing. Leaning on a spouse, family member, or community can transform private struggle into shared support. Attachment researchers have long emphasized that parents were never meant to raise children in isolation. The expectation that you should be able to do this alone is a modern invention, and an unrealistic one.

The parent your children actually need

Your children don’t need a caregiver who never struggles. They need one who shows them that hard things can be survived, that asking for help is a strength, and that love continues through difficult seasons. Years from now, what your children will remember is not whether the cookies were homemade. They will remember that you were there when it mattered.

This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.