Tantrums 101: How to Calm the Storm

You’re in the grocery store and your 4-year-old wants the candy by the register. You say no. Next thing you know, they’re on the floor screaming with flailing arms. You feel the stares of everyone around you. Have you been there? I know I have. 

How about at home? Maybe your child is having some screen time. They should be happy. You’ve let them do something that they know is reserved for rare occasions, yet when time is up, they are out of control, crying if they are 5 and being rude as if they are 10. Whichever way it presents itself, your child’s tantrum is their way of trying to express the big feelings they are having. The challenge is that they don’t have enough self-control to do it effectively. 

Tantrums are one of the most stressful parts of parenting young children. They’re loud, seemingly uncontrollable and unpredictable. But here’s the thing: tantrums are also completely normal. They don’t mean your child is spoiled or that you’re doing something wrong. They mean your child is still learning how to express their feelings and they just need your help.

Why Do Tantrums Happen?

Tantrums happen because young children’s brains are still developing. They don’t yet have the skills to manage frustration, disappointment or strong desires. So when emotions overwhelmGlossaryOverwhelmThe state when demands on your time, energy, and emotions feel greater than your ability to cope, often resulting in paralysis or emotional flooding. them, their body does the only thing it knows, it explodes. If you want the sciency explanation, their pre-frontal cortex (the regulation/self-control part of their brain) is not actually very developed yet. In fact it won’t be fully developed until they are 24 years old. 

Back to your little one though; there are some factors that can make it harder for your child to manage and regulate their emotions with the tools they currently have. Some of those triggersGlossaryTriggersSpecific situations, people, thoughts, or memories that cause intense emotional reactions or symptoms, particularly in individuals with trauma histories or mental health conditions. may include:

• Tiredness or hunger
• Transitions (leaving the park, bedtime, etc.)
• Limits (hearing “no”)
• Overstimulation (too much noise, too many people)

These are moments where your child’s brain is screaming, “I want this thing’’ or “it’s too much’’. The result – a tantrum. 

To put it into perspective, when you are super hungry or tired, you also don’t have patience for much and would likely have to work pretty hard to control your responses. That effort you put into trying to speak kindly when you’re exhausted or patiently waiting for something when you are overstimulated, that is your pre-frontal cortex in action. Our children, however, barely have that brain function to help them regulate when they are in distress. The antidote is a wonderful thing called co-regulation. 

The Art of Co-Regulation

Your child does not have the ability to utilize their pre-frontal cortex to calm themselves and control their words and reactions, but you do. It’s the connection you have with your child and your calm presence that can be a huge resource to help them re-group and get back to a calm state. The more escalated you are, the more escalated they will be. 

Step 1: Deep Breaths

As parents we are like a mirror for our children. When we stand close to our children, slow down our breathing, soften our voice and remain calm, it will support them and their nervous system in getting to a calm state much quicker. This obviously is easier said than done, when you’re irritated or even embarrassed by what they are doing.  Remember, and maybe even visualize, that your calm presence is like the anchor in a storm. If you match their yelling with your own, the emotions (and the tantrum) escalate. So before responding to the situation take a moment to calm yourself, remind yourself that developmentally this is very normal behaviour, and repeat after me, “I am the anchor’’.

Step 2: Ensure Safety

If your child is thrashing or throwing things, focus on making sure the environment is safe. Move the child away from sharp corners or objects or move other children away from them. If it is safe to (meaning if the child isn’t too big or strong) sometimes holding them gently is helpful, while remembering to speak softly, breathe deeply and keep yourself as relaxed as you can. 

Step 3: Validate to Contain

Mid-tantrum is not the time for lectures or any form of logic. Your child’s brain is in “fight or flight” mode; they are fully in their ‘’emotional brain’’ and can’t understand, at that point, the language of logic. Rather than talking about what they should be doing or not doing, just focus on what they are feeling. Try as much as you can to embody that emotion or feeling and add tone and emotion to your expression, rather than using a monotone voice. 

Saying things like. “You want that candy so much. I see you are so upset that Mommy can’t buy you that candy right now. You are soo upset.”

Save explanations like “We can’t buy candy every time” for later, once they’re calm. They don’t care at that moment what the rules are, they just know how upset they are and that they don’t get to have what they wanted. 

Step 4: Plan Ahead

While you can’t prevent every tantrum, it does help to check in with your child after things have calmed down and you’ve reconnected. This can happen later in the day or for older kids even the following day. A check in might sound like: 

“I know yesterday when we had to leave the park, it made you really upset. I would love to come up with a plan for next time so that you won’t feel as disappointed when it’s time to go. What would help you?’’  If the child is really small you may have to give some suggestions if they can’t come up with their own answers. For example, you can say, “I’m wondering if I have a yummy snack saved for the way home if that will help make it easier to leave’’ or “would you rather I let you know when it’s going to be 10, 5 and 2 minutes left or give you one more time on the slide?’’ 

These are just some suggestions; every child is different. In general, you can often access the right language by trying to put yourself in their shoes. There was a time, many moons ago, when you were 5 and that ice cream that you weren’t allowed to have looked so delicious and you wanted it so badly. Put yourself in that mental space and think, is there anything that would have helped me in that moment? Think about what your child may be experiencing and how you can support them through that experience.  

A Note for Parents

Tantrums test patience like nothing else. You may feel embarrassed, frustrated, and even helpless. Remember: you’re not alone. Every parent has been there, yes, even the ones who look like they have it all together.

What matters most isn’t avoiding tantrums, but how you show up during and after. When you stay present, calm and compassionate, you teach your child one of the most important lessons in life: big feelings can be felt, survived, and soothed.

So next time the storm hits, take a deep breath, anchor yourself, and remember: this too shall pass.